I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
