If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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