Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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