Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
