winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize