just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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