Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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