I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
