Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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