so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
