I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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