GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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