my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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