he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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