Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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