I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
