Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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