Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize