I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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