i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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