Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
