I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
