Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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