Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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