no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
