he wants to bone in the snuggie
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
