I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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