those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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