I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
