evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
