remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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