If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize