I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
