what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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