Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
