I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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