Cold hands, warm shart.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
