I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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