We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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