I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
