In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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