I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We smell like vodka and hangover
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
