I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
