I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
