You're a womanizer and a bitch.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize