just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My life is pants optional.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
where are my eyebrows?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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