I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
