she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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