this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
