my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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