i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
