Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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