Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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