he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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