u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
