I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
