I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize