alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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